fall colors

We had a busy weekend, but a good one in many ways. Our friend's son came for Halloween with his grandma and grandpa – this is the same friend who died this summer, so it was a wonderful and difficult time. Mostly wonderful, really, to watch Liam and Angus play together and to have time with our friend's mom and her husband.

On Sunday morning, we took Liam and Angus to the school playground and brought along our little neighbor, Olivia. My heart broke when I watched Angus and Olivia run ahead of Liam. It was put back together a little bit as we crossed the street, me holding Angus' hand, Angus holding Olivia's hand, Olivia holding Liam's hand. It broke again when the first place they ran to at the playground was one where Liam just can't participate – the climbing wall. None of this was meant to be hurtful, but these are lessons that I never really wanted to teach my child or other children. This happens often and it's not more than I can bear, but it was more than I could bear that day and at that moment. I know it was because of not just what was happening, but because of how intense it is to be with Van's mom and son and not him. It's because, also, this won't be the first time or the last – both for what happened with Liam and being without a friend. And it's hard, all of it. So my heart broke and I cried and I had to leave the playground and walk home by myself. On the way home, I picked up these leaves and I felt better.